Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys