Interior design 👌
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.