If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉