Pee pressure > peer pressure
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Meeeee too!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m not lazy
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Finally a use for spoilers…
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?