i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
The first one, obviously
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.