Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.