wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.