“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I’m so full I could puke a horse
🤣🤣
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.