I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?