Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
only 11 steps left
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?