[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
You Might Also Like
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.