God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
What even happened today?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.