[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
What flavor cupcake are these
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.