Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
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This trial is so absurd 😭
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
God has left this place
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.