Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
You Might Also Like
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?