I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too