During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
May have had one breakfast too many
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Brilliant!
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once