BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
The little toadstool has spoken.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp