Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane