JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!