I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Duck typos.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good