Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
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im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Any refunds available?…
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.