One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 馃槵馃き
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Not sure what鈥檚 more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
dad: where do you think you鈥檙e going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions