People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The devil.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place