Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
This made me smile…
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
The Joker was right
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will