My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish