You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Mornin
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I’m putting together a team
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.