Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
You Might Also Like
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?