Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …