Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
You Might Also Like
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
taking June’s advice to heart
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’