Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.