My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
A leaf blower, but for people.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
👾👾👾
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.