Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I just ran a .003048K
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid