Spell check is for lasers.
You Might Also Like
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Everything reminds me of my ex
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live