Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
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C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.