[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Is this a threat?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.