I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I love you…
…r dog.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
being a writer on Twitter:
The human personality is made of five key elements
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.