Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
We’re all getting idioter.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…