When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Best spot.. 😅
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
The first matador
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”