Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500