Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”