My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
This is enough internet for the day.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Has there ever been a more American story?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Roses are red
Violets are blue