Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
what the
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]