“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I hope Alan is OK
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.