MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.