[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
starting a garage orchestra
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.