New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.