Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?