When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Care for your back
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts