Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
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I beg your pardon?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.